Three Dating Tendencies You Need to Know
It’s Valentine's season, you know what that means! Heart-shaped chocolate boxes, roses, couples going on dates, and lots of love. In the spirit of love, I wanted to write a little bit about it. While I’m by no means a love expert, I’ve been reading from one. In her book, “How to Not Die Alone,” Logan Ury outlines three common dating tendencies that many people fall into. By understanding these tendencies and their potential drawbacks, you can take actionable steps to improve your dating life and increase your chances of finding a meaningful connection.
The Romanticizer
This tendency is characterized by the belief that love should be easy and effortless, and that the perfect partner will magically appear without any effort on your part. The Romanticizer tends to prioritize passion and chemistry over compatibility and shared values.
Example: Sarah meets Jack at a party and feels an instant connection. She spends the next few weeks obsessing over him, imagining their perfect life together. Despite some red flags, she convinces herself that Jack is “the one” and jumps into a serious relationship.
Drawback: The Romanticizer may overlook important compatibility issues and red flags, leading to disappointment and heartache down the road. They may also struggle with unrealistic expectations and an idealized view of love and relationships, which can make it difficult to find a meaningful connection with someone.
Solution: To overcome the drawbacks of the Romanticizer tendency, it’s important to take a realistic and grounded approach to dating. Focus on building a connection with someone based on shared values and interests, rather than solely on passion and chemistry. Take the time to get to know someone before jumping into a relationship, and be mindful of any red flags or compatibility issues that may arise. Also, work on adjusting your mindset and expectations around love and relationships, and recognize that a strong, lasting relationship takes work and effort.
The Maximizer
The Maximizer is characterized by the belief that there is always someone better out there. They may date multiple people at once, constantly searching for the “perfect” partner.
Example: John has been dating Sarah for a few months, but he can’t shake the feeling that there might be someone better out there. He starts swiping on dating apps and going on dates with other women, even though he enjoys spending time with Sarah.
Drawback: The Maximizer may miss out on meaningful connections by constantly searching for someone better. They may also struggle with commitment and trust issues, and may find it difficult to settle down with one person.
Solution: To overcome the drawbacks of the Maximizer tendency, it’s important to practice gratitude for what you have in your current relationship, rather than constantly searching for something better. Take the time to reflect on what you really want in a partner, and focus on building a strong connection with the people you’re dating. Additionally, strive to become a Satisficer, someone who has standards but is not obsessed with finding the perfect partner. This can help you to focus on finding someone who is “good enough” and who meets your most important criteria for a successful relationship.
The Hesitater
The Hesitater is characterized by fear of making the wrong choice. They may spend months or even years in a casual relationship, avoiding commitment or making excuses for why they can’t or aren’t ready to take the next step.
Example: Lisa has been dating Tom for a year, but she’s hesitant to define the relationship or make any long-term plans. She worries that she might be missing out on other opportunities, but she also doesn’t want to lose Tom.
Drawback: The Hesitater may miss out on deeper connections and meaningful relationships by avoiding commitment. They may also struggle with trust issues and low self-esteem, which can make it difficult to form a strong emotional connection with someone. By constantly waiting for the “perfect” moment or circumstance, they may never take the leap of faith required to start a relationship.
Solution: To overcome the drawbacks of the Hesitater tendency, it’s important to work on building trust and confidence in yourself. Take the time to reflect on your fears and insecurities around commitment, and work on addressing any underlying issues that may be holding you back. If single, take the leap of faith and ask out your love interest. Additionally, communicate openly with your partner about your feelings and intentions, and be willing to take risks and make a commitment when the time is right. Remember that a strong, lasting relationship requires a willingness to be vulnerable and to take a chance on love.
Looking for a life partner, not a Prom date
When it comes to finding a meaningful and fulfilling relationship, it’s important to focus on looking for a life partner, not just a prom date. This means seeking someone who shares your values, goals, and vision for the future, and who you can see yourself sharing life’s milestones with, rather than just someone who gives you instant chemistry or a “spark.”
While instant chemistry can be exciting and tempting, it’s important to remember that a slow burn can be just as fulfilling, if not more so. Relationships that are built on a foundation of shared values, mutual respect, and emotional compatibility are much more likely to stand the test of time and provide long-term satisfaction and happiness.
To find a life partner, start by reflecting on your own values, goals, aspirations, and what you want in a relationship. Look for someone who shares these values and is committed to building a strong emotional connection and a shared future with you. Focus on building a connection with someone based on shared interests, values, and life goals, rather than just on chemistry and attraction.
Remember that finding a life partner is a journey, and it’s okay to take your time and be patient. Don’t rush into a relationship just because you’re looking for instant gratification or a quick fix. Instead, focus on building a strong foundation with someone who you can see yourself growing and evolving with over time.
In summary, fuck the spark. Don’t be swayed by the instant chemistry when seeking a life partner. Focus instead on shared values and the desire to build a meaningful and fulfilling life together. This can lead to a more satisfying and lasting relationship that will bring you joy and happiness for years to come.
